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"My Significant Other Doesn't Want Me To Do It"
Topic Rating: +11 (11 votes) 
March 4, 2011
9:13 am
Jamesryan
Utica, USA
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Well, it's true for me, so it's probably true for some of you. My girlfriend doesn't want me to split my tongue, nor does she want me to suspend. She's frankly grossed out by the tongue splitting and is afraid for my health per the suspension. (I have never suspended and am looking to do my first this summer). She happens to be a nurse, so she's freaked out by anything like that.

I'm writing this to detail how I handle the situation. Firstly, I educate her. Being a piercer and a part of the modification world, I have access to quite a bit of knowledge that has helped me educate her about both the situations.

The more difficult part of the education was not telling her about the health risks and physical parts of it all, but the spiritual aspects. Simply explaining to her how it will affect me spiritually didn't work out great simply because she's not a very spiritual person.

So I've left our conversation open-ended and told her she may comment upon it or ask questions about anything at any time.

James R. Somers ModernPrimitivism.com
March 13, 2011
12:51 am
Oakbear
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I'm in a virtually identical situation myself!

I want a tongue split, planning on suspending, wife's a nurse and has reservations about both!

I also have had a similar sounding discussion, and yes the spiritual aspect of mods isn't as much of an issue for my wife.

On a very practical level we have agreed that i won't get a tongue split for now. Suspension is ok as long as she isn't present.

As modifications are such an important expression of individuality for me, compromising is hard.

However a frank exchange of how we each felt meant we could reach an agreement to not agree as it were!

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Nietzsche
March 13, 2011
7:26 pm
Jamesryan
Utica, USA
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I'm not going to lie, the similarity in situation is creepy. haha.

James R. Somers ModernPrimitivism.com
March 14, 2011
1:13 am
Oakbear
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Yeah i thought so!

 

So the question is, are you going to get the split done?

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Nietzsche
March 14, 2011
2:47 am
Jamesryan
Utica, USA
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When I have the money, I plan to do so. I had already had my tongue pierced and stretched to the necessary 8g when we met. This is something that I wanted for me since before her and I met, and I had mentioned it to her before we got together (which was a minimal amount of time, since the day I met her I pretty much moved in with her).

James R. Somers ModernPrimitivism.com
August 3, 2011
2:36 pm
AmazingDisgrace
Virginia
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Hm…as a pre medical student myself, I can understand your ladies' reservations. But it's the opposite for me having that medical background. It draws me in. Absolutely, I do a lot of research before I modify anything.

On topic: my current significant other couldn't be more supportive of my spirituality and doing what I love: mod. Very thankful for that, indeed. Have had a few in the past who weren't quite so accepting of it. Being from the South (small small small town Virginia, borderline Kentucky) it's not always a walk in the park, it isn't easy finding accepting friends (let alone significant others), but it seems once you do, they're stuck with you. I wouldn't change it for anything.

Your body is your temple. I choose to paint the walls.
August 3, 2011
4:40 pm
vampyremage
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I used to be in that sitution with an ex of mine.  He was extremely grossed out by the very idea of suspending, not to mention the other modifications I engaged in.  When we had first gotten together it was just after high school and I was a clean canvas.  Almost immediately after moving in together I began my journey with my first tattoo and it just progressed from there and is still progressing to this day.  At first he was ok with it, but eventually that changed.

 

Unfortunately my love of body modification was one of the things that eventually drove us apart and caused us to split up.  There were a few other things as well, but that was definately one of the major ones.  It wasn't something that I was willing to comprimise on and it wasn't something that he was willing to live with.  I hope those in similar situations currently have a better end result than I did.  Communication, I think, is probably one of the key components and helping your significant others to really understand everything that it means on a personal level.

August 6, 2011
3:52 am
Oakbear
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Communication certainly is key to any relationship, but i feel lucky to have found someone i love who accepts me. I hope everyone can do the same if they wish, but it isn't easy.

As an update to my situation, after another chat with my wife she said the split was fine as long as she didn't know about it because she'd worry. She knew the risks medically were small, but i think it was the idea of that level of physical harm being done intentionally which she worried about, given  she looks after very ill folks. As a mental health nurse i see it pretty differently, and not as harm per se, but healthy.

Anyway, i had it done a couple of months later. It took her a day and a half to notice, and she just said 'oh you scamp!'. All cool now!Smile

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Nietzsche
August 6, 2011
12:13 pm
Gillian
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Maybe I'm being a little harsh, but whenever my significant other has a problem with something I want to do, I tell him that it's my body and I'll do what I want with it. I mean, I'm much more polite about it than that, but that's basically the gist.

I mean, we spend so much effort trying to get society to live and let live concerning our modifications, just to let our wives and girlfriends and husbands and boyfriends nix what we want to do? It seems totally hypocritical to me… and honestly… if my boyfriend loves me for me and as much as he says he does, he'll get over any physical change I make to myself because it is so unimportant respectively.

August 16, 2011
5:05 am
Oakbear
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I don't think that's harsh Gillian.

In principle i agree, but humans can be fickle emotional creatures.

If my wife has a strong illogical emotional reaction, should i completely disregard that hurt because i fancy a new piercing and her feelings are illogical? Sure she'll get over it if she loves me for me, but i can save someone i love from that pain. If i let her feel bad regularly and disregard her feelings based on my moral stance, what happens to that relationship?

Another interesting one is what about risk of blood borne infection? Suspension carries a risk (which we try to minimise). A partner finds that risk unacceptable, but is still exposed to it by having unprotected sex with a partner who suspends.

 

Relationships are about communication and compromise in reality i think. How far we compromise and on what is an individual matter though….

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Nietzsche
August 19, 2011
7:43 am
gaugingbeauty
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I'm also of the sort that if I want to have it done, I will do it no matter what anyone says. Having a medical background, I would think it would be interesting research as to finding out risks and see about things before closing out the matter. Communication IS ideal, and maybe that way a better understanding can be reached. I hope it works itself out.

July 11, 2012
2:01 pm
ColaChampagne
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I don't know about you guys, but honestly I would rather be alone than be with some one who can't accept me for who I am and what i love doing to my body. That makes it especially hard since I still live with my parents. I've had friends tell me they won't hang out with em if I stretch my ears…good riddance…I don't have time to be around those people and have my body poisoned by the negative energy that I absorb from them. Ignorance is a toxic disease, that I want no part of nor do I want to conform to.

We are all born a blank canvas, physically and mentally, It is up to us to decorate our mind and body.
July 11, 2012
5:35 pm
vampyremage
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Absolutely agreed.  My mods do not define me, but they are an important aspect of self and if I am with someone who cannot accept that, then they are clearly not someone I should be with.  While compromise is something that is going to pop up in any relationship one has to be clear on what they are and are not willing to compromise on.  For me, my mods are one of those things that is squarely in the 'will not compromise' category.  Loved one or not, my body is entirely my own to shape and mold as I see fit and I will not be with someone who does not understand or respect that fact.

July 18, 2012
3:57 pm
Breanne Redin
Bath, Maine
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I do believe in compromise, which is good because my husband is absolutely against anything on himself, so when I want a mod, he doesn't understand why. I explained it to him, he might not really get it, but he doesn't try to stop me. In return, I give him choices. He prefers me to not have many facial piercings, and he definitely isn't a fan of genital or nipple piercings, which I'm okay with, I wasn't going to get any of those anyway for my own reasons. I would never say to him that he has no say in my piercings, because I think compromise should exist in every area of a relationship, and how you look DOES affect them as well. But if the other person isn't willing to compromise either, then well, its time to move on. As it is now, the piercings and tattoos that I really want to get, he's agreed I can get (once we get the money. Sadly, I have no friends in the business to get me any deals >_< ) after some discussions on what alternatives there might be etc. 

July 24, 2012
11:22 am
Sommersett
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I seem to notice people with many mods seem to couple with people with only a few or even none.  Has anyone noticed this?  Why?  I can think of 10 couples I know where only one person has many mods and only 1 couple where both people have many. 

Everyone has something to say about the Mona Lisa until you're standing in front of it speechless.
July 24, 2012
12:01 pm
Breanne Redin
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Sommersett said
I seem to notice people with many mods seem to couple with people with only a few or even none.  Has anyone noticed this?  Why?  I can think of 10 couples I know where only one person has many mods and only 1 couple where both people have many. 

I feel personally it is because people with Mods don't judge others by their lack of mods, like some people without mods judge others for theirs.

That's my personal point of view on it. I see us all as people, not as modded vs unmodded. So the fact that I ended up with an unmodded individual is merely because thats who I fell in love with, and well, at this point in our world its more common to find an unmodded person. (especially around here for me, haha!)

August 12, 2012
4:37 pm
Sommersett
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I guess I don't get it because I am just not attracted to people without mods…. I can have emotional or spiritual or intellectual attraction, but for me to want to be sexually intimate, the other person needs to have some mods.  Maybe it's about body awareness or ritual or something sweet like that, but it's more than likely pheromone based.  I can totally have a deep connection with a person with zero mods of any kind, but when it comes to a physical relationship, my partner must have mods.  I have a transgendered friend and he will only have a physical relationship with another trans person.  I also know people without mods who are just not attracted to people with mods of any kind.  Most people with mods seem to be more open minded about it than I am… maybe it's from working in the industry. 

Everyone has something to say about the Mona Lisa until you're standing in front of it speechless.
August 13, 2012
11:43 am
SasQuatch9585
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I have never faced this situation exactly.  My girlfriend has told me that she doesn't want me to have huge lobes.  Not a problem, because I'm not currently thinking of going past 3/4" anyway, but if I do decide in the future to go that large I think I'll inform her of my decision and let the chips fall where they may.

I agree that relationships are about acceptance and compromise, but modification, and indeed the right to control my own appearance in general, is something I feel quite strongly about.  I don't think I'd be willing to limit my experiences or modifications for the woman in my life.  I'm afraid my past trials with love have jaded me so much that I find it difficult to prioritize love over spirituality (or virtually anything, really).  I enjoy being in love, but I know how fragile it is.  I also know how easy it is for me to get over it.  I suppose that means I don't really have much invested in it anymore, and I suppose that sucks on some level.  Perhaps if I meet a woman that I can be with for more than a year and a half I'll start investing some serious emotion into it, but that has been the outer limit of any romance I've ever had.  One and a half years is the longest I've ever been with a woman.  Not because I'm a cheater.  I'm not.  Not because I'm unwilling to compromise.  I do.  I guess I just haven't met a woman who is actually compatible with me.

Anyway, for all of that, I'm not willing to make dramatic changes to my life or give up/go without things that I truly want for someone who probably isn't going to be around in another year anyway.

Perhaps this pattern in my life has gotten me so jaded that I don't even really try anymore.  I'll have to watch myself to make sure I'm at least making an effort to make things work.

But you know what?  I'm really okay with being alone for the rest of my life.  I don't need sex so often that I can't get by with the casual encounter here and there.  I don't need someone else to make me believe my life has meaning.  And I certainly don't need someone else to add stress and inconvenience to my life.

Sometimes I wonder if I can say anything in less than a hundred words.
August 13, 2012
12:59 pm
vampyremage
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I have decided to add another reply here because I have gotten a new partner and its a very different sort of partner than I have ever had in the past.  My past partners have been in various states of completely unmodified ranging to lightly modified.  As for myself, I am all ready relatively heavily modified and aiming to get more modified still.  I have been describing my journey for some time now as a full body self transformation because, in the end, that's what I'm working towards.

 

My current partner is not especially heavily modified at the moment, with a few tattoos and piercings only.  The difference being, however, is that independent of myself, he has goals to one day become heavily modified and is simply not quite as far along on that journey as I happen to be.  It is a completely new experience for me to speak to my partner about our respective goals and future images of self together and a wonderful experience at that.

 

As I'm sure many others have, I have seen some of the heavily modified couples that are posted throughout the internet and it wasn't something I ever expected to be a possibility because I do not choose my partners based upon their level of or interest in modification, but rather due to their personality and how compatible we are.  To now have a partner that this can one day be thought of, however, is both a little surreal and a lot of positive sort of experience.

August 16, 2012
5:12 pm
KristenAtkinson0
South Korea
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That's really awesome vampyremage! I'm glad you've found someone you can share that with. I would agree that if that happened to me, I'd be very awkward. It would be incredibly surreal.

I've never been with anyone who is modified very much. Perhaps the random tattoo or a couple of piercings, but that's about it. I, myself, am not extremely modified, but I do have plans. Most of the time potential partners are scared off by the suspension. People generally get pretty freaked out about that around here. 

I don't think that I would ever stop doing modification just because my partner said no. I, personally, have been raised to think for myself. If there's one thing my mother instilled in my mind from a very young age, it was "You don't need a man to help you out in life. All you need is yourself and your smarts. You can't rely on anything else in this world."

She wonders why I'm still single….

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