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Finding Myself Again
Topic Rating: +1 (1 votes) 
April 6, 2013
1:15 pm
Copperas Cove
Forum Member
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
October 20, 2012

So a little about my situation so I can get to the point. I am a 28 year old single mother of four young kids. Their father is not in the picture physically, emotionally, or financially. I have two jobs, one part-time, and one full-time, working from 7:30 a.m. to 11 p.m. I left my husband of 11 years about six months ago. I could no longer live a life full of abuse (mostly emotional but some physical). I was broken and brought down by him. I became a shell of my former self. Since my decision to leave, I wrote down everything he ever did to me that I could not forgive him for and slowly crossed every single one off my list. I have forgiven him for everything except for one final thing that I just can't seem to let go of. He's never really been interested in our children. For almost three years, I struggled to make food last for my kids, while he ate out three times a day. I can't seem to let go of what he's done to my children and what he's still doing. They don't ask about him, want to talk to him, and they don't miss him. I don't know why I can't let it go since they have. I feel like that one final thing on my list is holding me back from healing the final wound. Sorry this got long I'm just not sure how to let it go and move on from it.

April 7, 2013
4:18 am
Forum Posts: 886
Member Since:
January 7, 2011

Thank you for sharing.

Well done on your strength. It was always there, but you have walked the walk and come a long way.

A man who cannot be there for their children can't say the same. They are are weak and scared. I feel sorry for him, for all the fabulous things he is missing out on because he can't muster the courage to do what is right. He knows what he is, try as he might to hide from that truth.

You give so much for your children, and i understand why you can't forgive him on their behalf. Unfortunately that is for them to do, or not, in time. It'll be a part of their journey, and while you want to protect them from that, you can't. What you can do is support them, help them grow strong, and show them what it is to be a good person.
It sounds like they'll do just fine. :)

"The individual has always had to struggle to keep from being overwhelmed by the tribe. If you try it, you will be lonely often, and sometimes frightened. But no price is too high to pay for the privilege of owning yourself." - Nietzsche
April 9, 2013
2:36 pm
Forum Posts: 271
Member Since:
July 12, 2011

I can understand your difficulty in forgiving him. I'm not sure he deserves your forgiveness in this matter. However, I understand that you need to let go of the anger so you can move on and become who you want to be.

As the victim of many and many unforgivable acts at the hands of my own family, I can relate to the struggle.

For me, I don't think I'll ever forgive my family for what they've done to me. However, I'm not sure forgiving them is required for me to let go of the anger associated with what they've done.

Their actions were the result of the ignorance and hatred they carry within themselves. Their actions are not a reflection of who I am, but rather, they are a reflection of who THEY are. Their inner turmoil will no doubt continue to cause them problems and stress and self-loathing as it has done all their lives.

This is true of everyone who treats others like crap. The suffering they try to give you comes from an overabundance of suffering they carry within themselves. They want to make others suffer so they can feel powerful instead of powerless.

It would be great if the whole world would just wake up one day and understand this, but such is life. In the mean time I remind myself, just because someone tries to hand me a pile of shit doesn't mean that I have to take it. When someone disrespects me I blow it off instead of taking it personally because it doesn't really have anything to do with me. It's their suffering they're trying to spread so they don't have to carry as much of it themselves.

By ignoring their crap I insulate myself from their suffering and they are left to continue carrying it on their own. This often frustrates the person who is trying to offend me, which I find to be the best revenge I could legally get on them for trying to infuriate me in the first place.

The way you treat yourself and others is what makes you who you are. While the suffering others cause you can be horrible and difficult to come to terms with, it didn't happen because you deserved it. It didn't happen because of who you are. It happened because of who THEY are. It doesn't say anything about you. It says everything about them.

I don't know if this is the best solution. On a day-to-day basis I'm not filled with anger over it, although if I saw one of them on the street I'd be incredibly tempted to commit vicious acts of violence, but I think I could restrain myself.

I know I haven't forgiven my family, and at this time I don't expect I ever will. Some things are just unforgivable. However, I have removed every one of them from my life and I am building my world without them. For now this is the best I can do. Just move on with my life and look back with pity on those who are still so tortured that they must torture others just to feel normal.

Sometimes I wonder if I can say anything in less than a hundred words.
May 24, 2013
6:09 pm
Copperas Cove
Forum Member
Forum Posts: 4
Member Since:
October 20, 2012

Thanks guys. I really appreciate your words of wisdom. Things are looking up and I finally let everything go.

June 3, 2013
1:11 am
South Korea
Forum Posts: 225
Member Since:
February 27, 2012

I'm glad you're feeling better.

I'd like to put in my two cents as well:

I am someone who doesn't have a father in their life either. My father hasn't ever really wanted to know me. My older sister and younger brother have great relationships with him, but he's never really cared enough to take the initiative to get to know me/pretend to care.
I have stopped caring. It's taken a long time to do, and a longer time to get over, but it's done. It still hurts sometimes. However, the person who is most upset about it is my mother. My parents have been divorced since 1996, so it's not like they even talk anymore, but my mother gets upset about it still.
Now that I live in Korea, and my family is in the States, my mom will ask if my father skypes with me, and the answer is always the same. No, ma. Still no.

In later years, there might be a time when everything is great and happy. Most likely, it will probably be a little confusing, frustrating, and stressful for a while. However, this will pass. Keep your head up and try to stay strong for your kids. You are doing amazingly already! I send much love your way.

June 6, 2013
8:13 am
Forum Posts: 296
Member Since:
May 24, 2012

Consider some type of internal martial arts like Qi gong or Tai chi or even Yoga to transform the emotions. Just as keeping our physical body healthy, it is so important to keep our emotional health in check as well! Is there anything you can think of that I can do to help you feel more loved and supported?
Kristen: PM me your address and I will write you a REAL old fashioned letter.

Check YouTube for short videos for workouts that fit into your schedule.

Everyone has something to say about the Mona Lisa until you're standing in front of it speechless.
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